saying NO again.

another painful email sent. ARGH i can go crazy with this ranking shit.

saying NO is a skill.

i sent a painful email today. it was the most devastating click on the send button ever. having to reject a job offer from birmingham when i had no other black and white contract on my hand yet, is not exactly what i expected to do. why did i go all the way to sit for all the exams when i would say NO at the end.

and i have to say NO to another great trainer who has been tryin to get in touch. and he is such a lovely person.

i hope these are not too much to pay for just to go to a practice u think u will fit into well, and a trainer u think is keen and enthusiastic. i hope in life, u can realli trust.

pray. pray. pray.

Cheated.

I feel so cheated. It's LIKE a guy telling u I LOVE YOU, then turned away and told another gal I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and kissed her on the lips and held her in his arms.

And you're left shocked and confused.

Don't breach my trust. u don get another chance.

too much too much.

this is one of those times again.

"too much of everything can make you sick". cheryl cole says.

and i guess i am having too much of dentistry. coursework, audit, presentation cases, patient schedule arrangements, labwork arrangement and job applications. how much more can i take before i really grow sick of this whole dentistry thing.

sometimes i wake up thinking, this better worths it. worth every bit of my worries, my anxiety and my slight depression inclination.

a break is a good idea. except datelines will never wait.

the snow. the love.

the snow. it has been around for quite some time now. the snow brings a lot to my mind, from it falls, it builds up on every path in the city, it freezes into ice, it mashes with the dirt, to when it becomes so annoyingly messy n then disappears to give way to the new season.

when the weather forecast says the snow will be near, everyone cannot be more excited to welcome the flakes, even if it will be crazily cold, even if it will be disrupting the transport, even if it will be so heavy everyone will be locked in home, the fact is, it is still pretty, and it is something rare, something that does not happen everyday.

then the first pour of snow falls. the view of flakes flying in the air is breath-taking. you can just stare into the sky a whole day like you will never get bored with it.

then the snow builds up. you decide you should do a bit more now than staring. you go out into the snow to do snowmans, to play snow fight, to lie down in the inches of snow. it is tiring, it is time-consuming; but it is exciting and it gives you the adrenaline rush you need to spice up your life. you know the next day every inch of muscle will ache but you still give it all out when you are in the snow. the muscle will heal, but the snow, once it is gone, it is gone.

then the snow stops falling. the lovely flakes eventually freeze into ice. the ice coats every path that you need to walk every single day. then you get unhappy with the slippery journey, with the effort to chose the right shoes even just to walk to the cash machine 3mitres away, with the caution on every step to stop you from falling down. and if you really trip yourself and fall, you mourn about the stupid ice and start to forget how pretty it was once upon a time.

then the temperature rises, transports and schools are running again. the footsteps mashes the snow with the dirt. all of a sudden, something that looked so pure and clean at one point suddenly turns into a mess. the whole place just looks so unpleasant. at this point, you will not even think about snowman or even missing to have one done.

then the snow will melt away slowly, bit by bit everyday, until one point you cant see a trace of it. and then you are all ready to welcome the new, warmer season of the year.

doesn't it all sound like a relationship?

when it is blooming, it is all exciting and unpredictable like the weather forecast.

then it starts, it is all pretty --just like the falling snowflakes.

then the relationship goes further, you decide to do something more for each other, even when you know it is tiring and it takes time -- just like building a snowman and having a snowfight.

then as you get closer, you seem to know each other better, and you start to find out the imperfections of each other, so you fight and you fall out, you get sick of the whole thing --just like walking on the slippery path and falling down hard.

then as time passes, you fight more and more. you think that person is not the lovely person you first met and you just wonder how this whole thing started in the first place -- just like the mashed snow and dirt.

then you decide it is probably about time to end the mess and start overall again. if this whole thing does not bring joy anymore, there is probably no point in carrying on --just like when we all have built our snowmans, we are more than happy to say hi to the warmer, sunnier spring.

we probably are aware of all the stages we will go through, but for every snow to come, we will all still have the same cycle of emotions from the excited phase again even when we know it may be not last long. this is the beauty of life. the slippery paths and the unpleasant mashed filthy snow will never rip off the inherent beauty of the snow. a relationship may be all silly and tiring, but the beauty of can be so fulfilling, probably more than what the snow can give you, if you find the right person.

may everyone be blessed. a safe winter and a lovely love life.

a white manchester. a white winter.

the whole great britain has been snowing over the winter. and this is so weird. my four years here, the snow had never been this thick. so thick that thousands of schools needed to be cancelled across the country. and even the whole uni was closed in manchester. i have to say, i am really in love with this snow thing. manchester has never looked so pretty before. the whole place is like covered with a thick white blanket.

snowy winter is all about snowmansss. in the park u often see wadever size u want.

snow fighting is realli good for losing weight. soaked and exhausted but i totally loved the snow.

please go on snowing. i love the sound of the snow flakes fallin on my window. i love waking up to see everything white. i love seeing everyone getting so excited making the snowmans. i love how the snow gets every class cancelled lol.

what's next?

i am sitting here in front of wani's laptop writing this blog. feeling pathetic and confused.

everything seems to break. it started off by me dropping my brand new nokia E71 into water in the summer in malaysia. then i kinda broke the camera in australia.

then one thing after another broke after i came back to manchester. first of all i realised my anatomy skull and webcam went missing (i must had misplaced them while moving before leaving for malaysia). then my wardrobe collapsed. then the rack. then the full length mirror fell and broke into pieces (and they are still lying on the floor waiting for me to clear up when i am in my mood). then my heater stopped working when it is the coldest time of the year, at the middle of winter. then my watch strips broke which i didnt even have a clue how it happened in tat house party.

ok u probably think tat sucks enough rite? no, cause i came back from the house party last nite and found out my laptop decided to end its life without even saying bye to me. LORD.

i am too broke for all things to go wrong at the same time. like realli broke. i cant help but wondering what's the next thing tat will follow the series? what else in my room will break JUST LIKE THAT.

oh please. i know im clumsy. and oli says i never take care of my own things. even my ipod is looking like shit now. but please i will b abit nicer to them. stop saying goodbye to me!

i hope nothing is next. not until i graduate.