LOSS.

loss is painful.

the pain of losing someone u love is excruciating. it is the pain u will not be able to describe at all. the pain no one else can understand. the pain not a little bit at all relieved by people saying 'i am so sorry'. the pain so intense u cant even shed away a gram of it with tears. the pain that is so chronic that it will always be there; it may be away for some time, but it will always come back.

so, u cry, u grieve, u think u lose the world, for the one u lose was ever the most important thing in your whole entire world before. and suddenly, gone.

however, time helps. soon enough, u will realize your tears only reminds u more of your loss. u will decide u cant go on with life all the time with your dehydrated eyes, your hurt heart, your soulless body.

time may not wipe away the loss, but it helps to heal the cut into a scar. maybe the cut is deep, maybe it is so huge that it will take a while for the granulation tissues to be replaced by the firm tough scar tissues; but scar will form eventually. the limiting factor is just u; if u are always clinging on to the loss, maybe time is not a universal remedy. if u don let go, maybe the cut will just proceed into such a chronic stage, where the healing and inflammation fight each other. and if u continue to give in to your grief, infection may take place, and it may spread and gives u septicemia.

so, learn to accept. loss is painful, but it reminds u to treasure what u still have around u. it reminds u that life is short. it reminds u that what u do when the person is around is far more important than tearing after the person is gone.

so, learn to grow up. there are things beyond our control. there are things, horrible things we wish will never happen at all; but they just will. learn to realize that tears may be a temporary painkiller, but it has the risk of addiction. learn to increase your pain threshold instead of abusing your supply of painkillers.

u may cry. just remember to pick yourself up afterwards. i believe that this pain, no one can help u in any way unless u manage it yourself.

the scar may remind u of your loss. it will always be there. it just doesnt matter anymore. u healed. u have fought the fear of loss.

and the person u love will always be in a part of your heart. and the person will be happy too if he ever knows u are living well, happily for yourself, and for the people u love.

woohooo. good ending to my week.

yay. today was assigned to oral surgery clinic instead of consult. soooooooooo exciting!

n the most exciting part is---- ai ling extracted a lower right second molar herself!!!! managed to remove the molar with Coupland 1, 2 and 3. no forceps. reading a textbook is just nothing like doing it on a real patient. god, now i figure out the physics of levering in using the elevators. they realli do work so well!!

well, the patient was happy with the whole thing. the tutor, Gormally decided to refer him to the X-ray department because there were lots of other grossly carious teeth present. n guess what, the patient came back afterwards for review and he was given a treatment plan to have a total of 8 teeth extracted in the next appointment.

so the moral of the story--- take care of yr teeth. otherwise, u still have another option to opt for, cause i am kinda in love with extracting teeth now. maybe a discount for you next time too.

ai ling's hard day before the good days.

fuh. so i did my JOSC test (some drilling and cavity preparation) this morning, apart from not knowing the results yet, i am relieved. finally. MO prep on upper left five, we were lucky in a way that we were not asked to do on the upper six or seven, still, the challenge was there. occlusally convergent, rounded internal angle, 90degree cavosuface angle and blah blah blah. did it finally.



then it was oral surgery consult. well i prefer clinic personally. u know, doing injections and extractions and seeing the tutors performing the bloody fleshy flap raise and apicectomy are far more exciting than doing medical and dental history taking. so so repetitive. u just need to go on asking the patients, you have any allergies? taking any medications? heart problems at all? diabetes? rheumatic fever? u smoke? u drink? and the list of questions go on and on. and the nurse will keep dumping files to you, and you will have to carry out the same things all over again the minute u are relieved that u finish the patient in hand.



it was worse today since one of the tutors was on leave. and the clinic was so busy with just one tutor supervising all of us. right, so the nurse dumped me a case again. and hello, on the file it wrote SCLERODERMA. heyy, i mean SCLERODERMA. SCLERODERMA!!!!!! i didn't have any idea what was that. the referral letter described a lot of conditions related to it. facial bone deficiencies, mobile teeth, joint complications; ok all i mean is, i think i should have someone telling me what was that before i actually had to deal with the patient so that i knew at least something about the patient. well, all i could see was Dr Oliver running around the clinic handling patients, and the nurse kept telling me she would inform me when Dr Oliver was available, but he never was. so i did the history taking without a clue what was scleroderma. the moment i called in the patient, i was thinking "god i need help". i mean, she didnt not look physically fit to me. and i was thinking maybe the tutor should really take care of the case.



she was on the wheelchair when i did the procedure. the medical history part. judging by vision i kinda told myself i should have a lot to write on my notes. and since she was just sent to the oral surgery, no previous notes was there for me to refer to. but to my surprise she seemed to be describing herself such healthier than i thought. well i thought i should just write down what she said. i was waiting for Dr Oliver to come when the patient was complaining she couldnt wait any longer, that she would pass out any moment. -_-" then this another tutor came in and took over the case. and the essence of the story is here, when the tutor double-checked with the patient, she suddenly remembered she had diabetes and psoriasis and osteoporosis and few additions on the medication list as well. well, the tutor was giving me a "what?!" face. and the dental hygienist student who had been there observing was giving me the "how could she suddenly remember all these?!" face. and i was just having the "i am going to die" face.



so, the amount of additions made the tutor make another record. well he actually did the whole thing again. at the end of the session i was so so tired. and the tutor asked me what went wrong. i was speechless. and the dental hygienist student was giving me this "tell him!" face.



well. i am here to learn. so my mistakes. anyway, a hard week gone. and i am having a 3-day weekend and my sis is coming to Manchester tomorrow and we are going to have dimsum and a movie and do some shopping in the town. it will be a good weekend.



oh another good news! ida is giving birth to her twins soon! end of this month. i am really looking forward to it!

impregum... what is it actually???

Impregum.

oh my god. so Mr harper has been giving me misleading info about impregum. it is not polyshulphide, it is polyether!!!!!!!

so, he kinda passed us over to the really good Dr martin A bcos he was having an errand to run(which is sort of great on my side). n it just struck me that i had been keeping the concept wrong all this while when he said impregum is polyether.

anyway, he made the impression(as good as he could get) n Brian is off to the jaw registration stage for next appointment! thank god, i was like laughing my ass off when my clinical partner ran the impregum all over Brian' face. i mean, it was not professional, but i just couldnt stop my laughing gas. wakakakak.

scary but got to do it.

had another busy pros day. my patient came in for a review. there was an ulcer on the lingual area so i had to do a bit of trimming on the overextended area. then Brian came. fuhhhh... then my next patient is a partial denture case!!! tata complete dentures.

secretly taking a snapshot of the pros clinic when no one is looking.

ai ling in geneva, switzerland

after the skiing trip in la plagne, france, i continued my vacation to switzerland.


the city is famous for high standard of living. big brands are ubiquitous. rolex, armani, LV, prada, and the list goes on. suddenly, the snow was gone, sign of civilization.




but surprisingly, i saw a Bata shop among all the killing-priced shops!!! i mean, Bata! the Bata u can find in malaysia next to the old groceries shop. the Bata in supermarket Fajar in Taiping! i mean, no offense, but heyy, Bata standing among all the LV, Hermes and Chanel was just nothing more than odd. i was screaming " heyy, Bata eh, Bata?! Bata!!!"


i quite like the city. developed but peaceful. and the youth hostel we stayed even provided us with free transport card. so we could travel all around without paying a penny. so cool.




went to United Nation, the big chair was BIG. with a broken leg, symbolizing the need to help the weak, to support the collapse.






















had been trying ass to memorize the facts on it for the history subject in school, n now im here, UN!






the fountain was, to me, a simple fountain. just the splash of water shooting high into the sky.

















as i was busy posing for photos, a group of swiss suddenly jumped into me, into my picture, and happily poshed for the camera. oh gosh, for once i was thinking they were attacking me. so shocked. they were all smiling happily, so well, CHEESE! the photo was awkwardly cool with me surrounded by a group of strangers, until peilian came in randomly and kinda spoilt the meaning of the picture. zzz.




had a ferry ride across the beautiful lake to the other end of the city. the sight was just utterly beautiful.






along the way to the the next destination, seagulls were flying all over. it was just so cool!!!! the whole place was great with the mixture of tranquility of the lake and the gliding of the seagulls. i wished i could fly too.




the flower clock was one of the visitor spots in geneva, but frankly it was not so attractive to me.








it was a sunday, and a awful lot of shops were closed, including the utterly important souvenir shops. huhu.... But anyway the place was famous for swiss knives, which i managed to get two.





i will want to visit Switzerland again, i still have lots to see there, especially the Cheese Fondue i missed to taste!!!!

ai ling's first skiing trip! memory of la plagne.

at first i was kinda reluctant to go for it, it was so damn expensive n i was officially bankrupt due to some sponsor-related financial issues. n all the tickets, clothing, insurance were robbing my tiny savings; but now, it's all worth it!

FIRST DAY of skiing. scary. the skis were so heavy. n the damn big shoes were so so so so bulky with pounds of weight. they just didnt seem to be meant for walking. even walking up a small slope was almost impossible. next, the skis, the slippery skis. u just would wonder how would anyone possible like to ski? n u couldn't stop amaze those pro skier while they were speeding down the hills. jealous.

after a lot of bangs and falls, finally could at least ski down the beginner slope. n the instructor allocated us to different groups at the end of the session. ok, of cos, we all belonged to the beginner group. or should i say beginner of the beginner group. zzz. we were seriously pathetic.

SECOND DAY, a new instructor, the charming Charles!!!!! a bit less pathetic and improving, but i started my day banging into another instructor, a cute one tho kakaka. n he picked me up gently, hahaha and all these people said tat was part of the plan. zzz.

then, banged again. into james. our skis were crossed all over. n again, "part of the plan!' they shouted. n while i was busy settling the entanglement, there were some part-time cameraman taking pics of the funny scene when they were supposed to help with the mess. zzz.

THIRD DAY, a much steeper slope. we were all shaking heads to Charles. i mean, no way we could do it. it was just a bit too much for a third day skier. ok, fine, i ended up banging into beetee's ass. right there. i swear i could see stars. so so dizzy. and when i picked myself up together n struggled to the end point, Ang was speeding down relaxingly the second round. argh! tak tahan i wanna do it too. second time, banged into the fence. pathetic. what an ugly fall. without realizing how many attempts i had, finally got the hang of it!!! so so happy except for i banged into a snowboarder. heyy, it was a beginner slope n he was speeding like wind. whose fault?

we were skiing so well we had time even to apply sunblock. haha, never put looks aside. even Charles was shaking head.

end of the day, yiyian and i were so so happy. we might not b the best, but we did not give up! we made it!

FOURTH DAY, la plagne center. steeper n longer this time. the feeling of being able to control your skis was so great. it was like u finally conquered them. n i even started to like the bulky shoes. they made me speed.

i guess this trip i was fated to have some head injury. some substantial ones--i got banged with the ski chair. well i just slipped when i was supposed to get off the chair n the thing turned n just knocked my head. i really had never felt more dizzy before. for a long moment everything was so dark n i couldnt even open my eyes. ok, u gave me two big swellings n tats definitely no way i was going home without taking u down, u dare chair. so i went on to ski again n got up the ski chair again n again till i really knew how to handle it. fuh, even getting off the chair required skills.

anyway, we all conquered the place. a day of achievement!

FIFTH DAY. a day with expectations. for gregory, our charming Charles's tutor, appeared. i guess he must have thought that we were great enough to be under his training by then, which was definitely not true. n so a day of disaster began. we were brought to a really high end. the ski chair seemed to bring us to far far away. it just never stopped. just as u thought u were going to reach, the ski chair went on moving over another n another hills. the altitude must b great, for i could even feel the helicopter gliding so near. gosh, we are we going actually????

ok, finally reached. the view was wow. at the top of everything!

battle started. ahead was all the steep slopes. really steep ones. i just couldnt bring myself to believe we were going to ski all the way back to where the ski chair brought us from. fear. but what else. u just need to ski.

not a good beginning. haih.

the second slope was the funny part. james fell. noreen fell. helen fell. pei fell. menaka fell. i fell, of cos. one by one, we all fell. n i was stuck in the snow. though Ang tried to come to the rescue, i spent like ages just trying to get to my feet. finally, haih, wadever, i just slided down with my ass down the hill like wad pei was doing in front of me. huhuhu. PATHETIC.

i missed Charles. Gregory was a bit inhumane. never came to help. he would rather stand n wait for u when u were struggling to get u

p. argh, Gregory please don come tomorrow n please return Charles to us!!!!!!

with a lot of bangs and falls n bruises production. we finally reached. like i said, a day of disaster.

SIXTH DAY. hi Charles! Gregory must have been so frustrated with us he wouldnt come again. at least charming Charles was back!

high end again. this time i made it a point to not speed at all, to brake all the way. i was planning not

to invest any energy at all in getting up after falling down. i was like a snail till the point noreen was mumbling all the way behing me, "ai ling go faster! ai ling y are u so slow? ai ling go far far away from me!!!" grrrrrrrrr, i was fuming but my skiing capability didnt allow me to throw any temper. but kinda thanks to noreen, i was heated up n just sped all the way. n surprisingly, i reached safely down

the hill, without fallin at all!!! hooray!

i kept following pei. she was good. never really fell. n believe me, it was important to ski behind someone who didnt fall. for if she did, u felt u needed to. and out of a sudden, tat place was not that scary anyway. n i was actually having fun! So I kinda decided I would only ski behind my lucky start pei.

The survisors!

i love skiing!

ok at least it was a happy ending to my skiing trip. at least i could ski down the hills where i initially fell all the way. achievement!

we did it!

since it was the last day. i wouldnt miss the chance to have a picture with Mr Charming. and then everyone rushed to take their turns. he turned into a big star. Commotion.--------------------------->

SEVENTH DAY. i returned the skis n shoes. so sad. now i kinda liked them i had to say goodbye. they gave us bruises and all. but they made me speed. every morning we practically woke up with fear, wondering where we were going to ski that day. every morning we kept fighting to stop ourselves from giving up. and now it was the last day, i missed the

fear and the feeling of uncertainty. huhu.

so we had fun, laughters, sense of satisfaction. And also, collections of bruises.

i miss ucpa. i miss la plagne. i miss charles. i miss the snow

i miss the skis and the shoes. i miss the falls and bangs.

i initially was complaining about buying the skiing outfits, but now i am keeping them. i wanna ski again, if possible.

a trip full of memory. one of the best

trips ever.

my nightmare of polysulphide - impregum.

first of all, if u r not a dental student or dentistry-related in any way, this may b boring n i advise u to leave immediately. n for my fellow dentists, it may b educational, or at least to prepare u better in pros.

i m just so not ready for the dental school to start. this is my third day, n i m already feeling so exhausted.

Pros today. my clinical partner, ayish booked in 2 patients. Brian was the implant patient wanting dentures. so the tutor, Mr harper asked us to use impregum for the lower impression. it looked cool to have a new material after all this while of alginate and admix and compo. but the handling was a mess. at then end of the day it wasnt cool at all. it was just a mess.

so, ayish was doing the examination and all, when she started to feel unwell. she looked blue. so it was maybe a good idea for her to go home to have a rest; but on the other hand, i had to take over the two patients that i had no clear clue what i should do with. anyway, i had to do it.

first, the impregum impression went a little doggy. no anatomy contour at all i guess, if there was any, recorded except for the two implant holes. n the impregum was so so so sticky. it ran all over everywhere. n i removed the impression without noticing it unset, n when i did, the next moment the patient was spitting out like crazy, complaining that the material tasted horribly awful. well the Mr Harper said it was an expensive material but the mercaptan or something gave it an unpleasant odour. i kinda pitied Brian, but i had to get the impressions done.

then the dispensary ran out of impregum. so i was asked to do the upper impression with alginate when the nurse tried to find me some irritating impregum. since i was left all alone in despair, i had to steal peilian from abdullah to b my nurse. thank god peilian didnt book in a patient, if not i would have been killed by the alginate and polysulphide, being buried in tones of unusable impressions.

so after a few attempts, we got the upper impression ok. n the time was like 15minutes before the next patient came in. so i was fighting with time. the nurse finally gave me the impregum before a woman came n nicked it. well she promised to bring it back which she never did. i wasnt being stingy but the nurse said that was the little impregum she could find in the clinic. so be that woman a fifth year student or a tutor, me n peilian were quite frustrated with her.

then another nice nurse came to rescue with some impregum n even showed me how to deal with it. still, the impressions were nothing more than doggy. n i kinda decided there was something wrong in the research on dental material as this thing couldnt b for implant impression or any simple impressions. it was so sticky n Brian was so covered with impregum. Miss Pett decided we couldnt proceed with the stub handle (which i had no idea why would the lab designed it instead if the straight handles) interfering the lip. we even thought of ripping off the handle. Mr harper had another go, and it wasnt any better. it looked like everybody was playing with Brian's mouth till he said "please, everybody have a go!". another try and another try, we changed so many tips and syringes for the impregum and still couldnt get it right.

in the middle of the mess, i was still worried if the next patient had arrived. but i think god still loves me, for the patient canceled her appointment!!!! so now we could spend time concentrating on how to sort the mess out. Brian was still spitting out, apparently theres no adaptation to the awful smell yet.

i was exhausted, n poor Brian must be too. i was hoping we could really get a perfect impression so that our patient could go home with something at least. and the next moment, Mr harper said the special tray was fractured. oh god! n guess what, the next appointment for Brian is, exactly, impregum impression again =(

so i had to send him back with, i guess, fatigue and disappointments.

it was almost 12.20pm, and the nurse was chasing peilian to return stuff to dispensary n to clean up. haih, chill please la.

so, my third day was about impregum n impregum.

but it wasnt so bad cos peilian was there helping. thank u situapui!

start blogging. ai ling blogs?

ok. i had been saying i rather slept than blogged. just that the thought of writing out my voice suddenly crosses my mind. so, yea, here i am, blogging. i was not ready to actually put things in words to show the world what was buried in my heart, well i am not even now, but i just suddenly need to write. anyway i guess not many eyes are going to land here, so it is not a big deal to write wadever i wan. i hav always been wondering, y can blogging make people so into it? tats part of the reason y i am typing right now i guess. and to spend less of my youth sleeping, maybe i should really do something that i can look back and say "wow, ai ling wad a life" when i am all old n wrinkled in the soon future. and maybe i should just keep myself up-to-date with the current trend. and maybe i just just need to write. having lived in the uk these years, i hav actually had lots of experience, n since my memory is not so reliable and it has got its limitation maybe i should start to do some recording like the history taking i have always been doing in the dental hospital for my patients. blah blah blah. so ai ling is blogging!